[Column] I was terribly regretting, resenting my own decision

I was terribly regretting, resenting my own decision.
Woke up to find my heart beating so hard.

3:00 AM September. 2012 NY

I almost threw my blanket away and swallowed a cup of water. I keep a cup full of water beside my bed all the time.
I was seeing a nightmare. In the dream, I suddenly found myself come back to Japan and working like before.
and I saw reactor3 exploded on Tepco live camera. Of course there was no media coverage like in real world.
The airplane ticket was already sold for 1 million yen, and I was already exposed to the lethal level.
I was panicking.

I see this kind of nightmare once in a while since I was in France.
I suddenly find myself in Japan, and living like before. It’s always the same situation of dream.

Having nightmare is the proof of having a good life. I try to think this way. but I’m always interrupted by the next thought “Should it be only me to live a safe life ?”

I was soaked up with sweat. couldn’t go back to sleep. I felt like I was going to see the next chapter of the dream if I fell asleep.

When the sky became bright, I finally fell asleep again. I don’t remember what I saw in the next dream.

Went out of the room with my cup. It was another beautiful day, puppies were running outside.
I hoped no nuclear accident will happen here, but Indian Point may have leaked some amount of radiation already.
came back to my computer with my cup full of black coffee.

Every morning I feel scared to check internet because Japan might not exist anymore.
I confirmed nothing exploded yet.

I can’t understand people to come back to Japan. No wonder, I can’t understand people to remain in Japan more. They must be hypnotizing themselves.
Though I’m hopping around the countries, I might still be rooted in Japan.

Actually it’s not only because of the visa problems that I keep moving. I came to US to meet anti-nuke people and exchange information.
so far, it has been very fruitful and I’m hosted by one of those people actually.

I sank myself in the sofa. I was appreciating the host to let me use such a sofa, but at the same time, I was feeling like I was’t getting the very point.

My nightmare is not 100% un-possibility. Though the possibility of explosion is getting smaller, it’s still not 0%. They are sill measuring Krypton in reactor1 to suggest fissioning is still on-going, and melted fuel must be still somewhere in reactor1, 2, and 3.
All they can do is just to keep giving water. No solution. Nobody can grab the fuel out. The coolant system is so provisional, it will have more and more problems and it may take 40 years or even more to decommission the plant.
At this moment, billions of Bq of radiation is still leaking to the environment every single day. Even without explosion, leaked radiation will be accumulated in human body.

I want to let them out, but they actually don’t want to go out, and I can’t afford it either. Nobody can.
This is the point, but I didn’t feel like I was going straight to there. I felt like I was stuck at somewhere
I can’t leave them dead knowing what is going on. I was very frustrated.

_____

Italiano:

[Editoriale] Avevo dei terribili rimpianti, provavo risentimento per la mia decisione

Avevo dei terribili rimpianti, provavo risentimento per la mia decisione.
Mi sono svegliato con il cuore che batteva fortissimo.
3:00 AM, Settembre 2012, NY
Ho quasi gettato via la mia coperta e ingoiato una tazza d’acqua. Tengo sempre una tazza piena d’acqua accanto al letto.
Stavo facendo un incubo. Nel sogno mi trovavo all’improvviso in Giappone e lavoravo come prima.
E vedevo il reattore 3 che esplodeva nella live camera della Tepco. Ovviamente i media non ne parlavano esattamente come nel mondo reale.
Il biglietto aereo era già venduto per 1 milione di yen ed ero già stato esposto al livello letale.
Ero nel panico.

Faccio un incubo come questo una volta ogni tanto da quando ero in Francia.
Mi trovo improvvisamente in Giappone e vivo come prima. E’ sempre la stessa situazione, nel sogno.

Fare incubi è la prova di avere una bella vita. Provo a pensarla in questo modo. Ma il pensiero successivo mi interrompe sempre: “Dovrei salvarmi la vita solo io?”

Ero fradicio di sudore. Non potevo tornare a dormire. Mi sentivo come se, riaddormentandomi, avessi potuto vedere il capitolo successivo del mio sogno.

Quando il cielo è diventato chiaro finalmente mi sono riaddormentato. Non ricordo cosa ho sognato poi.

Sono uscito dalla stanza con la mia tazza. Era un altro bel giorno, gli animaletti correvano fuori.
Ho sperato che non accadesse mai un incidente nucleare qui, ma Indian Point potrebbe aver già emesso alcune radiazioni.
Sono tornato al mio computer con una tazza piena di caffè nero.

Ogni mattina ho paura di controllare in internet perché il Giappone potrebbe non esistere più. Ma ho avuto la conferma che ancora niente era esploso.

Non riesco a capire le persone che ritornano in Giappone. Niente di incredibile dal momento che non capisco le persone che rimangono ancora in Giappone. Devono essere ipnotizzati.
Anche se sto facendo qua e là nel paese potrei ancora finire in Giappone.

A dire il vero non è solo per i problemi di visto che continuo a spostarmi. Sono venuto negli Stati Uniti per incontrare persone contro il nucleare e scambiare informazioni con loro.
Fino ad ora è stato molto utile e in realtà al momento sono ospitato da una di queste persone.

Mi sono steso sul divano. Apprezzavo il mio ospite ché mi lasciava usare un tale divano, ma allo stesso tempo mi sentivo come se non stessi capendo davvero il punto.

Il mio incubo non è al 100% impossibile. Anche se le possibilità di un’esplosione stanno diminuendo non sono ancora allo 0%. Stanno ancora misurando il Krypton nel reattore 1 per capire se la fissione sta ancora continuando, e il combustibile fuso deve essere ancora da qualche parte nei reattori 1, 2 e 3.
Tutto quello che possono fare è continuare a versare acqua. Non c’è soluzione. Nessuno riesce ad estrarre il combustibile. Il sistema di raffreddamento è così precario, avrà ancora molti problemi e potrebbero volerci 40 o più anni per disattivare l’impianto.

In questo momento milioni di Bq di radiazioni stanno ancora fuoriuscendo nell’ambiente ogni singolo giorno. Anche senza un’esplosione le radiazioni fuoriuscite si accumuleranno nel corpo umano.

Io vorrei lasciare perdere ma loro non vogliono davvero farla finita e non posso sopportare nemmeno questo. Nessuno può.
Questo è il punto, ma non mi sentivo come se stessi andando lì direttamente. Mi sentivo come se fosse bloccato da qualche parte.
Non posso lasciarli morire sapendo cosa sta succedendo. Mi sentivo molto frustrato.

_____

Français :

[Édito] Je regrettais terriblement, me reprochant ma propre décision.

Je regrettais terriblement, me reprochant ma propre décision.
Je me suis levé pour sentir mon coeur battre si fort.

15:00 Septembre 2012 New-York.

J’ai presque balancé ma couverture et avalé un verre d’eau. Je garde toujours un verre plein d’eau à côté de mon lit. Je faisais un cauchemar. Dans mon rêve, je me suis soudain vu retourner au Japon et y travailler comme avant.
et j’ai vu le réacteur 3 exploser sur la caméra de direct de Tepco. Bien sûr, il n’y avait pas de couverture médiatique comme dans le monde réel.Le billet d’avion était déjà en vente à 1 million de yens et j’avais déjà reçu une dose d’exposition mortelle.
Je paniquais.

Je fais ce genre de cauchemar régulièrement depuis que je suis allé en France.
Je me suis soudain retrouvé au Japon et vivant comme avant. C’est toujours la même situation dans mon cauchemar.

Faire des cauchemars est une preuve qu’on a une bonne vie. J’essaye de le voir comme ça mais je suis tout de suite interrompu par la pensée suivante “Est-ce qu’il ne devrait y avoir que moi à avoir une vie en sécurité ?”

J’étais trempé de sueur. je ne pouvais pas retourner dormir. J’avais l’impression que j’allais voir le chapitre suivant du cauchemar si je m’endormais.

Je me suis finalement rendormi lorsque le ciel a commencé à s’allumer. Je ne me souviens pas de ce à quoi j’ai rêvé ensuite.

Je suis sorti de la chambre avec mon verre. C’était une nouvelle magnifique journée, les chiots couraient dehors.
Je souhaitais qu’il n’y ait jamais d’accident nucléaire ici mais Indian Point peut avoir déjà laissé fuir de la radioactivité.

Je suis revenu à mon ordinateur avec ma tasse pleine de café noir.
Tous les matins j’ai peur d’aller voir sur Internet parce que le Japon peut ne plus exister.
J’ai confirmé que rien n’a explosé pour l’instant.

Je ne peux pas comprendre les gens qui retournent au Japon. C’est clair, je ne peux pas comprendre les gens qui restent plus au Japon. Ils doivent s’hypnotiser eux-mêmes.

Bien que je sautille de pays en pays, j’ai toujours mes racines au Japon.
En fait, ce n’est pas uniquement à cause des histoires de visas que je déménage. Je suis venu aux USA pour rencontrer des anti-nucléaires et échanger des informations.
Jusqu’à présent ça a été très fructueux et je suis hébergé chez l’un d’eux en fait.

Je m’effondre dans le sofa. J’ai bien aimé que mon hôte me laisse un tel sofa mais en même temps j’ai senti que ce n’était pas ça, je n’y étais pas.

Mon cauchemar n’est pas 100 % improbable. Bien que la probabilité d’une explosion diminue, on n’est toujours pas à 0 %. Ils repèrent toujours du krypton dans le réacteur 1 ce qui laisse penser que la fission est toujours en cours et que le combustible fondu doit toujours être dans les réacteurs 1, 2 et 3.

Tout ce qu’ils peuvent faire c’est seulement arroser constamment. Sans solution. Personne ne peut attraper et sortir le combustible. Le système de refroidissement est tellement provisoire, il va avoir de plus en plus de problèmes et ça pourra prendre 40 ans ou plus pour démanteler la centrale.
En ce moment, des milliards de Bq de radioactivité fuient toujours dans l’environnement chaque jour. Même sans explosion, la radioactivité qui fuit va s’accumuler dans les corps humains.

Je voudrais leur permettre de sortir de là mais ils ne veulent pas en sortir et je ne peux pas payer pour chacun non plus. Personne ne le peut.
C’est ça le truc mais je n’ai pas senti que j’y allais tout droit. J’ai senti que j’étais coincé quelque part.

Je ne peux pas les laisser mourir en sachant ce qui se passe. J’en étais très frustré.

  1. Wow! Your words are moving! I like reading your thoughts, they paint the picture of exactly what you are experiencing. It’s impossible for me to understand the nightmare you must be living day to day. Always like a leaf on the wind. In my compassion for you as a fellow man, I pray peace will find you soon, dear survivor of this tragedy! I wish more people could find your type of bravery and escape JAPAN’S TOXIC MESS. I also have this nightmare that the reactor will explode once and for all and change the face of this planet forever. I just wish more people were aware of this unfolding disaster. That they would not let their ignorance and fear dissuade them from being informed. I really hope that you are well and will soon adapt to your new circumstances. I will pray for you and Japan each day! Take care, Leslie

  2. Iori –

    Keep up the good work. Maybe you can help prevent the second Japanese nuclear reactor disaster, which is inevitable if the Japanese government does not change its energy policy and decommission the many nukes in this earthquake-prone country.

  3. You have to trust your intuition, if you have a strong sense of warning. However, I think France and the East Coast are likely spots for the next meltdown. Some spots in Japan are untainted; they have the same background radiation levels as years past, and you can eat the same imported food people around the world eat. In Okinawa or Kyushu, you’d probably be safe from whatever happens, IMO.

    1. All of Japan is tainted. Also, Kyushuu is being continuously radiated by debris incineration. Okinawa isn’t safe either due to nuclear radiation spreading throughout the Pacific. I don’t know where you got your info from, but if you have been reading Fukushima Diary, I think you will see the reality.

  4. Dear, I follow your work since the beginning with much admiration. I understand your stress level and the hard path you did take on. All through, I think your dream is telling you it is time for you to set the base of a more personal life. May be you have to make this deep decision not only in front of Fukushima but for your own life. Because you deserve to set a life for your own self. I remember as you previously spoke about your authoritarian father and how your decision to live for your first step to declare your self a grown-up. I know a little bit about japanese education and i can imagine how difficult it was for you. So even if the worst happen tomorrow, no human being can live without hope and plans for futur, and i think this is working for you to. I am sure you meet a lot of people and saw by now a lot of places. Decide where you want to set your self and start to build up for your futur. Because even if you exist on a collective level you deserve some privacy and your dream is telling you so. With a big hug. Sophie

  5. Votre état d’esprit ressemble à l’angoisse des survivants à une catastrophe, un accident ou une guerre.
    Ceux qui ont survécu aux camps d’extermination la connaissent bien aussi. C’est un terrible dilemme que d’avoir à sauver sa vie sans pouvoir sauver celle de ceux qu’on aime. Faut-il, pour autant, mourir avec eux ?

  6. I told my sister to get out of Japan and come to stay with us in the States. She never did. My family probably thought I was crazy and overreacting when Fukushima Daiichi’s situation was getting worse by every minute over a year ago. I’ve been sending alarming news found on the net to my sister. I thought she was reading them and getting an idea of what type of food is likely to concentrate cesium so that she can avoid them. The other day she told me that she made miso soup with mushrooms. Mushrooms concentrate cesium. She should know that by now. I wondered if she was reading my emails at all or checked out any blogs I recommended. Maybe that’s the reality in Japan. Majority of Japanese people think that Fukushima is somewhere far away from where they live, although it is only about 150 miles from Tokyo and the nuclear reactors are still spewing radiation into the air, water, and soil. They think that the problems, people still living in radiation hot spots, thyroid abnormalities and cancers among children, and radiation contamination in food and water, are all happening in a different world. I don’t know. I get frustrated too.

    1. they simply dunno how dreadful radiation can be. some of them refuse to give up what they have and would rather die for their stuff.

  7. Thank you for pooring your heart out for us. We are a small group of people -we who watch and use our dicernment and research skills to uncover the truth. You (and the rest of soon) might have to pay with our very lives in order to exoose the truth.
    I plan on moving to Chile- I know there are no safe place and that running away never helps. Maybe we can buy time and try to save the savable ones. Most people think I am nutz or just overly concerned about Fukushima- I show the proof and they make excuses- just like 9/11

    This is from my blog whick has an RSS for http://fukushima-diary.com

    Denial and avoidance are among the most important psychological concepts to the Truth Movement. Mentally, what allows people to block out clear signs that our modern way of life is corrupt and unsustainable? What keeps people from caring?

    How are people able to go on with their lives as normal when they hear that 50% of all species will be extinct by 2100? Why don’t such facts disturb people and make them curious enough to start looking into the details for themselves?

    Cognitive dissonance relates to the concept of being exposed to information or having experiences that conflict with our existing base of “what we know.” The theory holds that our minds are not always flexible or rational when it comes to evaluating uncomfortable information or questioning our own beliefs.

    “Dissonant cognitions” will cause us to dismiss or alter conflicting information or add justification to one side or the other—not necessarily rationally—in order to regain psychological balance. It’s an important concept to consider in terms of the way people block things out or justify things to themselves.

    Thank you and all who read this blog!
    Dino

  8. dear sir,

    i read your website nearly everyday mostly because i worry.
    i think i would like to be a scientific minded person.
    “nuclear” power is very scary to me, because there are so many
    secrets about it. technology should be based on open knowledge,
    but i fear that some knowledge about the universe should not be a
    available to all people?
    so i worry about what happend(s) in japan (and other places)
    where “the atom is split”.
    some people might say i’m too stupid to understand …
    “it is safe!” swords and guns and spears made empires.
    or just “one” bomb”? it must be knowledge…for some.
    so what can i do? the road from 1945 is so long. has all been
    told?
    “nevermind”, i say to myself and find the biggest sun in the universe
    and find that our sun and our planet is tiny.
    i think we should worry and care, but maybe we cannot live forever?
    maybe some things we have to accept and make the best of.
    i would not like to live near a broken “atom splitter” -aka-
    chernobyl, three mile island, fukushima dai-ichi.
    tho japan is not very big, i’m sure there are parts that are
    “not so bad”. because radioactivity is invisible to the human eye but
    some other things that can make us sick and unhappy are not;
    maybe accept the invisible as best as one can but look for
    the things that make us happy?
    would i like to live in a clean natural environment surrounded by “nasty” people?
    they are not mutely exclusive, but maybe a place that i can understand and
    people that i understand and maybe understand me is better then a clean-natural
    environment, even though the place might not be very healthy?
    we have one life … not very long.
    maybe a short live as a gangster with lots of money, drugs and girls ; )
    i wish you all the best for the future and will keep visiting your
    website.
    also you are doing a great thing by keeping to shine a light
    on fukushima and the people that are still trying to “un-split” whatever
    went wrong there.

  9. Forgive the foregoing expletives Iori…
    Don’t get up your own arse/ass, keep up the good work, no fear!

  10. Hi lori,
    The column over there —> is broken. It doesn’t show the capt word when we try to make an entry.
    Hope you are well. Come to Australia sometime. We have some Fukushima rice farmers who have set up a pilot rice farm up north in Queensland . We have a large room and bathroom you can stay in.
    Danny

    1. Dan – you’re probably already working on it, but please do all you can to stop Australia from exporting uranium.

      Providing uranium to the global nuclear power industry and their corrupt government cronies is like selling weapons to terrorists. You know they are going to use what you give them to harm people. There is no ethical justification for Australia’s supplying uranium for the nuclear power industry.

      Australians don’t want nuclear power in their country because they supposedly understand the great danger. Neither should the people of Australia be allowing the mining and export of materials that greatly and permanently endanger others (and our species and our planet) in order to provide temporary profits for a few sociopathic business and political “leaders” who would put profits before people.

  11. Hope you are well, Iori. I check your column every day and then I check the JNN live cam so see if Reactor 4 is still standing. I have a radiation detector that I just upgraded with a pancake detector and recalibrated. Now that I can pick up all particles (alpha, beta, gamma and x-ray) my readings here where I live in Virginia have gone up about 2.5 times. Before I was only detecting beta and gamma rays. I wish I knew what it was before 3/11. I will continue to monitor now that I have a new baseline.
    Do not despair having left your homeland. It is sad that so many cannot and that this unprecedented event was never prepared for. The logistics of moving millions of people out of harms way is staggering just to imagine it. The very fact that this could get even worse is horrifying. I am 54 years young and have no desire to move to the Southern Hemisphere. In time, even there would be affected. What I want to tell you is do not give up. What you are doing has purpose. People need to be informed, as our governments have chosen not to inform us of what is happening. The disgrace is theirs and theirs alone. So, hold you head high and bravely keep going. Someday, the world will have no choice but to open their eyes. God be with you.

  12. Iori,
    NBC news carried a story today (11-1-12) about a TEPCO worker who is suing the subcontractor for whom he worked.

    Keep up the pressure on TEPCO and the Japanese government. All of your efforts combined with these other courageous japanese will have, are having a good effect! Gambarimasu! Perhaps folks are starting to wake up.

  13. Dear Mochizuki-san,
    I like your strong Japanese spirit.
    But one must not eat the reactor to prove they love Japan.
    That is perverse,and the fault of the government.
    When you have nightmare after evacuation, you are joining a huge club of intellectual people with PTSD, you know what I mean. Japan, though once a beautiful country with rich history, is fading away in disgrace because of greed.
    It may recover one day, but not in our lifetimes, and the sacrifice is immense.
    I really feel for you brother, I used to live I Okubo, Shinjuku, until reactor 3 blew and my friend in the military said- get out of there, those reactors are toast.
    Keep up the good work and stay positive, for someone has to, no matter where you are, you rock.
    Peace and love from our family,
    Dave

  14. If TEPCO had one wind turbine and a few solar panels with power cable bus panels, then Japan would not have been hari-kiri with poor judgements.
    Go figure.
    B the way, we flew through the fallout cloud and it was yellowish powder coming into the plane through turbine bleed pressure.
    Smelled like sweet orchids, burned plastic, and concrete dust.
    I still can’t believe that tepco couldnt get two car batteries to open the cooling dump tank almost killed Japan.
    For lack of a horseshoe, the kingdom died.
    Peace,
    D.

  15. “Should it be only me to live a safe life ?”

    Don’t worry, Iori, there’s no such thing as a “safe life”.

    Life itself is a risk.

    Thumbs up for your dedication to informing us!

  16. I have had nuclear radiation nightmares too. I was 10 years old during the Cuban Missile Crisis. I lived in the southeastern US. I remember “duck and cover.” I remember fallout shelters. I remember adults crying with fear. I remember the feelings of being helpless. The nightmares have not visited me for some years now. For this I am greatful.
    I hope with time your feelings of guilt for leaving your home and family will pass. Remember, you can be of no help to anyone if you die young.
    In my life I have worked on being a better man. I have not done this for others. I have done it for myself. This seems selfish but in being a better man for myself I am a better man for everyone, friends, family and strangers.
    It’s OK for you to be strong and independent. You are helping many, many others in Japan and all over the Earth. Thank You.

  17. lori,

    There was a posting on facebook that read,”In the age of technological education, ignorance is a choice.” Like you, I am fighting a battle of apathy, fear, misinformation and the lack of information, laziness and people who are more content to ignore warnings because they are too frightened. It was not so long ago in history, that writing and reading made a few people powerful. With modern times and technology, everyone has the ability to write and read, if they can not read there are opportunities to learn. I have valued my abilities and the access of information online or from my local library.

    So, this morning I began as always reading your journal and enews.com and then I went to the sites that report the news from the Bayou Corne, Louisiana sinkhole. Without the Internet this information is unavailable. The expansion of the sinkhole is rapid, video fly overs show the development and the wide spread dead and dying trees stretching away from the toxic waters. Although the government agencies are reluctant to share information, this is a national crisis and now the storage cavern of butane is only 200 feet away. The toxins, including nuclear waste has leached into the fresh water supply and the salt dome has collapsed. Only a handful of people visited this site. When I send the info out, there is only one person who communicates with me. The rest probably think that I am obsessed and/or depressed by my continual updates. I realise that there are no resolutions to either Fukushima or the sinkhole, the community of experts that created the disasters are unable to reverse the damage that will eventually cause a dead planet and the extinction of living creatures. So, it is amazing that I continue to work on my garden and care for some of the forest creatures, even planning a menu or thinking about the holidays that will soon be here.

    The human spirit must always be hopeful that there will be solutions even when it appears that human race is in a very dark place without light.

  18. You are really a great person and show an example to the fellow Japanese and people all over the world. What you do with Fukushima Diary is more than valuable. I am always encouraged by you. Please continue your good job!

Comments are closed.

About this site

This website updates the latest news about the Fukushima nuclear plant and also archives the past news from 2011. Because it's always updated and added live, articles, categories and the tags are not necessarily fitted in the latest format.
I am the writer of this website. About page remains in 2014. This is because my memory about 311 was clearer than now, 2023, and I think it can have a historical value. Now I'm living in Romania with 3 cats as an independent data scientist.
Actually, nothing has progressed in the plant since 2011. We still don't even know what is going on inside. They must keep cooling the crippled reactors by water, but additionally groundwater keeps flowing into the reactor buildings from the broken parts. This is why highly contaminated water is always produced more than it can circulate. Tepco is planning to officially discharge this water to the Pacific but Tritium is still remaining in it. They dilute this with seawater so that it is legally safe, but scientifically the same amount of radioactive tritium is contained. They say it is safe to discharge, but none of them have drunk it.

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